Coming Out Guide

The Coming Out Process

Coming out as gay can happen at any age. Although this process may follow a similar pattern for many people, it nonetheless remains difficult for many.

We invite you to consult “First Steps,” a document developed by Health Canada: hc-sc.gc.ca (historical reference).

We also invite you to visit the Séro-Zéro website, which contains highly relevant information on this subject: sero-zero.qc.ca (historical reference).

A Proposed Model

The coming out process is a complex phenomenon. It is the journey from recognizing one’s sexual and emotional preferences to integrating them into one’s personality and personal and social life. Several models have been developed to illustrate this phenomenon, with steps and stages that vary from one model to another.

In this document, we will look at four phases:

1. Pre-coming out: am I gay?
2. Coming out: embracing who you are
3. Post-coming out: being gay
4. Withdrawal: stepping back from the gay community

Unlike other models, this one does not include highly specific stages experienced in a linear fashion. This better reflects reality and allows each person to relate to it. In fact, journeys vary greatly from one individual to another. For some people, and indeed for most, the coming out process involves moving forward and then backward. The stages may also overlap. This is a model, so nothing is set in stone.

Phase 1 – Pre-coming Out: Am I Gay?

Feeling different from others is what triggers questions about sexual orientation. Feelings of shame, guilt, and especially confusion emerge and haunt the person who is questioning.

The individual feels alone and imagines that they are the only person experiencing such a situation. They may hope that it is only temporary. The individual adopts negative attitudes toward homosexuality and develops internalized homophobia.

The person then attempts to break out of their isolation. They seek information about homosexuality. They may use a wide range of sources, such as books, television programs, films, and the Internet. They will look for gay role models. The person will realize that they are not the only one experiencing this reality.

Awareness of one’s different sexual orientation becomes clearer as sexual desires and urges increase. Attraction to people of the same sex takes on an important, and increasingly important, role. The desire to talk about it begins to emerge.

The time comes to lay the groundwork for beginning the coming out process. A trusted person, usually outside the family, is selected to be told about the individual’s sexual orientation, allowing them to gauge the reactions of those around them and gain an ally.

There is an intensive search for peers. A powerful desire emerges to meet people of the same age with whom to share both experiences and friendship. The presence of these peers makes the journey easier and provides motivation to continue coming out. However, it is difficult for young people under 18 years of age to find places where they can socialize with others like themselves.

It is at this point that the individual begins to embrace different values and norms. Homophobia gives way to acceptance of gay life. Changes, sometimes subtle and sometimes highly extroverted, emerge in different areas: physical appearance, clothing, intellectual pursuits, sports, recreation, and others.

Both internal and external pressures prompt the individual to devise scenarios for coming out and disclosing their sexual orientation. The person is tired of hiding, lying, or being unable to express themselves or act freely. What may prevent or delay the person’s coming out is fear of rejection, fear of being thrown out of the family home, and negative or disparaging attitudes and comments about homosexuality.

Phase 2 – Coming Out: Embracing Who You Are

Disclosure of one’s sexual orientation to those around them occurs gradually as the person gains self-confidence. There may be moments of euphoria that can make the person vulnerable in terms of their health by taking risks in their sexual activity or their use of drugs or alcohol.

For many, this is often when their first contact with the gay community occurs. Those who have the opportunity to be accompanied by someone familiar with the community will find it much easier to integrate. Some people may encounter difficulties during their first explorations of the community.

The shock of the gay world is almost inevitable. There is a jumble of positive and negative emotions. People may not identify with the gay world because what they find there does not correspond to who they are. This initial shock gradually subsides as the person becomes integrated and spends time in the community.

The person enters the gay community with a thoroughly romantic view of love. They are looking for love and life as a couple.

Disclosing one’s homosexuality to one’s parents leads them to ask questions and experience a certain sense of loss. Parents often become silent at this point, which can be difficult for the individual. However, it is important to understand that a person cannot ask their parents to understand and process something that may have taken them years to understand and accept.

Phase 3 – Post-coming Out: Being Gay

With greater maturity, the individual integrates homosexuality into their lifestyle. They have succeeded in developing a positive and solid self-image. Their public and private identities become one. They disclose their sexual orientation more broadly.

Their social network expands, and the search for stability and intimacy becomes more important. Relationships last longer and combine physical attraction with romantic commitment. The individual learns how to live as a gay couple both in private and in society.

Phase 4 – Withdrawal: Stepping Back from the Gay Community

The individual spends a great deal of time and energy understanding and accepting their sexual orientation. They then devote a great deal more energy and time to disclosing their orientation and defending their rights. Afterward, they invest further energy and time in developing a stronger personality that integrates every aspect of who they are into a coherent whole.

Once all this has been accomplished, some people feel the need to step back from the gay community. They may withdraw because they are in a relationship and no longer feel the need to spend time in the community, since they have achieved their goal of finding a life partner. Others, because of their appearance, age, or similar reasons, feel pressure from within the community to withdraw.

Support Resources

If you are going through the coming out process, know that you are not alone. Many organizations in Quebec can support you on this journey. Feel free to consult our resources for young people or contact us for a referral to the organization best suited to your situation.